Alkalyn!
Computer Humor
Men versus Women
More Men versus Women
Even More Men versus Women
Corny
Jokes
Officialdom
Lawyer Jokes
Those Scotsmen
Murphy
Strikes Again
Are You a Glaswegian
Humor 1
Humor 2
Humor 3
Humor 4
Humor 5
Humor 6
Humor 7
Humor 8
Museums
Bad Verse
Quiz
Quotes
Quotes1
Food that Bites
Facts - Perhaps?
Darjeeling
Robbie Burns
Scottishy Things
Thermalmask
Men versus Women - Surely the Y Chromosome is not the only reason why we are constantly at war! - Some of the differences between men and womenIn Praise of the older ladies .
As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage...Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
Nothing has ever changed
God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'
After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?' So God explained That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down Into the valley,
Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'
And Adam said....
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
'What's a headache?'
Relationship Advice from a Man
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work in my Volvo 1800 leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, SheilaDear Sheila: An 1800 stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the in- take manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
-Walter
Why are wedding dresses white?
A son asked his mother the following question:
' Mom , why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,'Son, all household appliances come in White'
Words Women Use
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verb al statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog
~~~~~~~~
as she sat contemplating ecological issues
~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: '
~~~~~~~~
Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. '
~~~~~~~~
That night,~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously~~~~~~~~
on lightly sauteed frog legs~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:~~~~~~~~
I don't freakin think so.
9 Words Women use
Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verb al statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.
The Accident
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch". The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch. "So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?" "I have." says the fellow. And has she helped you in making the decision?". "She has" says the bloke. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. . .
"We're having a new kitchen".
A Quickie
Margie decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??" "Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle too."
Apple's new product
Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The "iBoob" will cost between $250 and $300. Apple considers this to be a major breakthrough their marketing division advised that women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy.
Photo Reproduction
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy Father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
"Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Madam", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bath tub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't workout for Harry and me!"
"Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Madam, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Madam. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.
Qs & As
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out
you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while My wife is in
labour?
A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in university.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "OESTROGEN ISSUES
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every ;car sticker that says:
How's my driving-call 0800
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.AND, the Number One thing only women understand :
1. OTHER WOMEN
The Fishing Trip
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the first guy says, "You have no idea what I had To do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
The second guy says: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the new pool." The third guy says: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
The fourth guy said: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."
Present for the better half-
This year for Valentines Day I bought the missus a new bag and belt. She is pleased as Punch, the Hoover now works a treat
Cell Phone
Several men are in the locker room of the rugby club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the rooms stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Sweetheart, it's me. I can hardly hear you........are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat."
MAN: "OK..........go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking ,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of ,000. They will probably take it. If
not, we can go the extra 000. It's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Spanish Lessons
The teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine:"el lapiz."
A student asked, " What gender is 'computer' ?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommend ation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.
Dear Lord
A GIRLS PRAYER
Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who’s willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask, "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the asshole you sent me instead. AmenA BOYS PRAYER Lord, I pray for a girl with nice tits. Amen
* "There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature." -- Stephen Stills
* "Men are like a deck of cards. You'll find the occasional king, but most are jacks." -- Laura Swenson
* "You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy." -- Erica Jong
* "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." -- Wendy Liebman
* "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." -- Elayne Boosler
* "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -- Maryon Pearson
* "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." -- Margaret Thatcher
* "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." -- Gloria Steinhem
* "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." -- Gloria Steinhem
* "I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
* "Woman was God's second mistake." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
* "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde." -- Dolly Parton
* "A woman may be able to change the world, but she will never be able to change a man." -- Amy Snowden
* "What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce." -- Mark Twain
* "The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things." -- Jilly Cooper
* "I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Silly Sites: www.theonion.com
Thanks to everyone who sent in a "funny"
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more ~ ~ Woody Allen
