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Thanks for the
emails - To My Friends, I would like to say...
My heartfelt appreciation goes
out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
"forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe,
secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks
goes to whoever sent me the e-mail about the rat crap in the glue on
envelopes, because now I use a wet sponge to seal my envelopes. You
probably saved my life.
I also scrub the top of every
can I open, thanks to an e-mail from one of you.
Because of your concern I no
longer drink Coca Cola, because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer use Glad wrap in
the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin
return on pay phones, because I could be pricked with a needle infected
with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing
deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping
centres, because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone,
because someone will ask me to dial a number, for which I will get a
phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because
their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
I no longer have any trainers,
but that will change, once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer worry about my
soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels watching over me.
Thanks to you, I have learned
that God answers prayers only if I forward an e-mail to seven of my
friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any money in
my savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the
hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). In fact, I no longer have any
money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that
Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special
email program.
I want to thank you so much
for looking out for me.
Now I would like to return the
favour. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 7 minutes, a large pigeon, with a wicked case of diarrhoea, will
land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon.
I know this will occur because
it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's,
ex-mother-in-law's, second husband's, cousin's beautician.
~~~|QZNAZ|~~~
YEAR 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. Pope died.
YEAR 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. Pope died.
If in the future, when Prince
Charles decides to remarry, please warn the Pope and the Australians.
<<<>>>
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE
CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE
LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like
nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING
OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory;
growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're
down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
<<<>>>
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
<<<>>>
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not
piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
~~~|QZNAZ|~~~
An elderly lady in Florida did
her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the
act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew
her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a
gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a
second invitation - they got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken,
then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that
she
could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then
it
dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found
her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station.
The sergeant to whom she told
the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed
to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a
car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five
feet
tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
If you're going to have a
"senior moment", make it a memorable one
~~~|QZNAZ|~~~
Remember to Cancel your credit cards...THIS IS SO
FUNNY
Be sure and cancel your credit
cards before you die. This is so priceless,
and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A
lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then
added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been
$0.00,
now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to
Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling
to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was
never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you
should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two
months past due, it already has been.
Family Member: So, what will
they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her
account to the frauds division or report her
to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think
God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just
get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to
speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to
tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was
never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you
want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you
her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her
great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a
certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax
number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just
isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more
I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you
figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees
and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like
her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa
Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a
cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do
with dead people on your planet?"
<<<>>>
An elderly man in Adelaide
calls his son in Sydney on the week before Xmas and says: "I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking
about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of
each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other,
and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane
and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his
sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting
divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls her dad immediately,
and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a
single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll
both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"
and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone
and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas,
and paying their own air fares."
<<<>>>
An old
farmer in Iowa had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large
pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up
for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer
decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while,
and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some
fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee.
As he came closer he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the
women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the
pond.
One of the women shouted to
him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't
come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of
the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning
will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also
applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a 'home business'.
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems
they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded
'administrivia' - needless paperwork and processes.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not
Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!
Aa! Aa!'.
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back
in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10- Pinter in
your bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
at 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female
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