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Computers
Review of SoftMate's Girlfriend Program
This month we have decided to review the different versions of the Girlfriend application from SoftMate. This series has been a non-stop parade of conflicting versions and illegal hacks. We hope to dispel at least some of the confusion here.
Acquaintance 1.31 (Mother of all girlfriends) - This was SoftMate's first application. It was a bare-bones program which was very fast but limited. It provided a friendly, if somewhat aloof, interface which made the user feel comfortable in most cases. It was easy to use, never crashed and generally could be trusted in all situations. The only real drawback was that it had no sex module. This became a real problem with long term and heavy use.
Girlfriend .90b (Beta) - The problems started here as this was not really the Girlfriend series. It was a dismal attempt to port the much acclaimed Acquaintance 1.31 to a multi-threaded environment which would not work properly because the newly written sex module had not been thoroughly tested. The entire beta for the Girlfriend series lasted all of two months and the whole SoftMate series was unstable and suffered from inadequate testing. The beta for Girlfriend had very basic features. It was functional but virtually demanded an upgrade to a more stable version because of the embedded Acquaintance code. The beta was scrapped and an entirely new Girlfriend was created so that it would perform to spec.
Girlfriend 1.0a (Stable) - The first in the current SoftMate family. Some serious design flaws were evident from the beginning because of the addition of Artificial Intelligence. The algorithms used were too vague giving the program some unpredictable characteristics. The sex module worked extremely well, though, and Girlfriend always performed this task reliably. This one feature alone has made this the best selling and least upgraded version. There are occasional crashes especially if all old Acquaintance files are not properly removed or at least marked "hidden".
Girlfriend 1.61c (Upgrade) - Girlfriend matures quite a bit in this release. The interface is slick and pretty. This is also the release which began to incorporate a proprietary file system that eventually locks you into the entire SoftMate series including forced upgrades which become more and more expensive. At this point you will notice an impact of your system resources as Girlfriend becomes more costly to operate. The sex module is very stable but prone to just "chug along" instead of the more dynamic access in version 1.0 Because of the wholesale code changes, a complete un-install package is included which will get rid of Girlfriend forever without adversely affecting cache, resources or other objects.
Girlfriend 2.0 (Fix Release) - This release fixes annoying bugs, but is definitely slower and much more demanding of both time and resources. Version 2 also starts converting all structures into the newer Fiancée/Wife format to ensure a smooth transition. You are hopelessly mired in the product at this point and getting out could be expensive. A Gold or Silver upgrade is required within a defined time period. The sex module is a little erratic and temperamental. One note: If you try to install Girlfriend 2.0 with any previous versions still installed, they will conflict and trash the entire operating system. The new system requirements are very stringent because this version is "object oriented" and all hardware must have gold or platinum contacts.
Fiancée 1.0 (Standard Edition) - Fiancée 1.0 represents a breathing period in the life of this product. It is a stabilization revision with few changes other than that you are now locked in and all of your system assets are tied up in this application. It is a time based version and must be upgraded by a certain date. Failure to do this can cause you severe hardship and force you to start all over by re-installing a brand new Acquaintance. The performance of the sex module is about the same but sometimes refuses to run unless you first clean out the Task List.
Wife 2.0 (Gold Edition) - There is no Wife 1.0 because Girlfriend and Fiancée have become so advanced that Wife has jumped ahead by one full revision. There is also only one version of Wife but the add-ons are copious and varied. There is a "To Do List" which never lets you forget. There is also a "kitchen pass" feature which allows you to leave while Wife is running as long as you are back by the time you've entered into the job queue. The biggest headache with Wife is that you cannot change any of the config files. Wife is responsible for that and changes them without letting you know. The second area of recurring problems is in the sex module. It will sometimes quit working for days or weeks if you don’t handle the rest of the program with great care. In some cases, it ceases to work almost permanently and you are forced into an expensive add-on: Mistress 1.0 Because Mistress is an add-on, it requires Wife to run. This is very dangerous because both Wife and Mistress use the same resources so Mistress files must be "hidden". If Wife discovers and conflicts with Mistress, Wife deletes all Microsoft Money and Quicken files before un-installing itself. All daemons spawned by Wife will disappear while still chewing up system resources. The upgrade to turn Mistress into Girlfriend will then refuse to work giving you a "lack of resources" error message. You are basically screwed. At this point not even Acquaintance will re-install because the hidden files from Mistress will be all over your hard drive and all programs will know about them. You might as well Fdisk and Format your hard drive. Hopefully you've learned your lesson and you will either stick to Girlfriend or permanently write-protect your hard drive before you end up on the soup-line.
The following constitutes all currently known hacks and unauthorized versions of SoftMate products.
Girlfriend 1.0s (Shareware) - Released mainly for testing the multi-user interface. Feel free to pass this version around, but don’t buy it as it is not intended for long term use and is generally more suitable for entertainment purposes. This version tends to run poorly during the week but screams on the weekends.
GirlfriendG (Known as "Groupie") - It is not known for sure if this is a hack or just a corrupt version but it is loosely based on Girlfriend 1.0a The main difference is that this version allows any sports or music application to embed itself into the exposed objects of Girlfriend. Use of this version has the potential for a lawsuit.
GirlfriendDNA - (a.k.a. "FertileFriend") - A particularly nasty hack of 1.61c which runs only on machines with poor security. This version is capable of spawning little daemons at will which require a complete upgrade to Wife (bypassing all versions of Fiancée) to avoid legal action. The only other alternative is to completely rebuild the operating system with a new computer name and physically house it in a new and undisclosed location.
GirlfriendH ("Hooker" version) - This version is for people with old or problem machines and people who know nothing at all about Girlfriend. Price varies depending on the features wanted and you pay a "per use" fee by dialling a 900 number and entering an access code before each session. It will generally run on anything out there. Sometimes you will pay for this hack only to find that it disappears almost as soon as you start the program leaving your business unfinished. It takes prompt action to catch it before it is completely deleted. If that happens you cannot call for help because you had an illegal copy and could be prosecuted. Viruses run rampant in this version.
GirlfriendUA (a.k.a “JailBait”) The source-code for this version is owned by another distributor and has not yet been released for Beta testing. If you are detected using this software criminal prosecution is almost certain. All I know about this release is what I have read in the distributor’s pre-release literature.
Tech Support Request
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? JP
Dear JP
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings Alimony/Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologise button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash
READ THIS OUT LOUD-It's Great!
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash;
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk
and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME!!
Life Before Computers:
Memory was something u lost wiv age.
An Application was 4 employment.
A Programme was a show on TV.
A Cursor was someone who swore a lot.
A Keyboard was a piano.
A Web was a spiders home.
A Virus was the flu.
A Hard Drive was a long trip down the motorway.
A Mouse Pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3-inch floppy . . . . . . . . well you just hoped & prayed no b%$*£@d found out!
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Tech Support Request
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? JP
Dear JP
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings Alimony/Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologise button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash
READ THIS OUT LOUD-It's Great!
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash;
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk
and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME!!
A woman called the Canon helpdesk because she had a problem with her printer. The techie asked her if she was "running it under windows". The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
Tech support, "how much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer," Well, my wife likes to get up there on the internet, and she downloaded 10 hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Customer, "I would like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson, "Certainly sir, we have a large variety." Customer, "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
Customer, "Can you copy the internet onto this disc for me?"
Customer, "So that will get me connected to the internet, right?" Tech Support, "Yes." Customer, "And that’s the latest version of the internet?"
Tech Support, "OK Bob, lets press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter P to bring up the program manager." Customer, "I don't have a P." Tech Support, " On your keyboard, Bob." Customer, "What do you mean?" Tech Support, "P on your keyboard, Bob." Customer, "I'm not going to do that!"
GM response to Microsoft
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows,shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.(CTRL/ALT/DELETE)
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Thanks to everyone who sent in a "funny"
Even our misfortunes are a part of our belongings -- Antoine de Saint Exupéry