Computers
Review of SoftMate's Girlfriend Program
This month we have decided to
review the different versions of the Girlfriend application from
SoftMate. This series has been a non-stop parade of conflicting
versions and illegal hacks. We hope to dispel at least some of the
confusion here.
Acquaintance 1.31 (Mother of
all girlfriends) - This was SoftMate's first application. It was a
bare-bones program which was very fast but limited. It provided a
friendly, if somewhat aloof, interface which made the user feel
comfortable in most cases. It was easy to use, never crashed and
generally could be trusted in all situations. The only real drawback
was that it had no sex module. This became a real problem with long
term and heavy use.
Girlfriend .90b (Beta)
- The problems started here as this was not really the Girlfriend
series. It was a dismal attempt to port the much acclaimed Acquaintance
1.31 to a multi-threaded environment which would not work properly
because the newly written sex module had not been thoroughly tested.
The entire beta for the Girlfriend series lasted all of two months and
the whole SoftMate series was unstable and suffered from inadequate
testing. The beta for Girlfriend had very basic features. It was
functional but virtually demanded an upgrade to a more stable version
because of the embedded Acquaintance code. The beta was scrapped and an
entirely new Girlfriend was created so that it would perform to spec.
Girlfriend 1.0a
(Stable) - The first in the current SoftMate family. Some
serious design flaws were evident from the beginning because of the
addition of Artificial Intelligence. The algorithms used were too vague
giving the program some unpredictable characteristics. The sex module
worked extremely well, though, and Girlfriend always performed this
task reliably. This one feature alone has made this the best selling
and least upgraded version. There are occasional crashes especially if
all old Acquaintance files are not properly removed or at least marked
"hidden".
Girlfriend 1.61c
(Upgrade) - Girlfriend matures quite a bit in this release.
The interface is slick and pretty. This is also the release which began
to incorporate a proprietary file system that eventually locks you into
the entire SoftMate series including forced upgrades which become more
and more expensive. At this point you will notice an impact of your
system resources as Girlfriend becomes more costly to operate. The sex
module is very stable but prone to just "chug along" instead of the
more dynamic access in version 1.0 Because of the wholesale code
changes, a complete un-install package is included which will get rid
of Girlfriend forever without adversely affecting cache, resources or
other objects.
Girlfriend 2.0 (Fix
Release) - This release fixes annoying bugs, but is
definitely slower and much more demanding of both time and resources.
Version 2 also starts converting all structures into the newer
Fiancée/Wife format to ensure a smooth transition. You are hopelessly
mired in the product at this point and getting out could be expensive.
A Gold or Silver upgrade is required within a defined time period. The
sex module is a little erratic and temperamental. One note: If you try
to install Girlfriend 2.0 with any previous versions still installed,
they will conflict and trash the entire operating system. The new
system requirements are very stringent because this version is "object
oriented" and all hardware must have gold or platinum contacts.
Fiancée 1.0 (Standard
Edition) - Fiancée 1.0 represents a breathing period in the
life of this product. It is a stabilization revision with few changes
other than that you are now locked in and all of your system assets are
tied up in this application. It is a time based version and must be
upgraded by a certain date. Failure to do this can cause you severe
hardship and force you to start all over by re-installing a brand new
Acquaintance. The performance of the sex module is about the same but
sometimes refuses to run unless you first clean out the Task List.
Wife 2.0 (Gold
Edition) - There is no Wife 1.0 because Girlfriend and
Fiancée have become so advanced that Wife has jumped ahead by one full
revision. There is also only one version of Wife but the add-ons are
copious and varied. There is a "To Do List" which never lets you
forget. There is also a "kitchen pass" feature which allows you to
leave while Wife is running as long as you are back by the time you've
entered into the job queue. The biggest headache with Wife is that you
cannot change any of the config files. Wife is responsible for that and
changes them without letting you know. The second area of recurring
problems is in the sex module. It will sometimes quit working for days
or weeks if you don’t handle the rest of the program with great care.
In some cases, it ceases to work almost permanently and you are forced
into an expensive add-on: Mistress 1.0 Because Mistress is an add-on,
it requires Wife to run. This is very dangerous because both Wife and
Mistress use the same resources so Mistress files must be "hidden". If
Wife discovers and conflicts with Mistress, Wife deletes all Microsoft
Money and Quicken files before un-installing itself. All daemons
spawned by Wife will disappear while still chewing up system resources.
The upgrade to turn Mistress into Girlfriend will then refuse to work
giving you a "lack of resources" error message. You are basically
screwed. At this point not even Acquaintance will re-install because
the hidden files from Mistress will be all over your hard drive and all
programs will know about them. You might as well Fdisk and Format your
hard drive. Hopefully you've learned your lesson and you will either
stick to Girlfriend or permanently write-protect your hard drive before
you end up on the soup-line.
The following constitutes all
currently known hacks and unauthorized versions of SoftMate products.
Girlfriend 1.0s
(Shareware) - Released mainly for testing the multi-user
interface. Feel free to pass this version around, but don’t buy it as
it is not intended for long term use and is generally more suitable for
entertainment purposes. This version tends to run poorly during the
week but screams on the weekends.
GirlfriendG (Known as
"Groupie") - It is not known for sure if this is a hack or
just a corrupt version but it is loosely based on Girlfriend 1.0a The
main difference is that this version allows any sports or music
application to embed itself into the exposed objects of Girlfriend. Use
of this version has the potential for a lawsuit.
GirlfriendDNA -
(a.k.a. "FertileFriend") - A particularly nasty hack of 1.61c
which runs only on machines with poor security. This version is capable
of spawning little daemons at will which require a complete upgrade to
Wife (bypassing all versions of Fiancée) to avoid legal action. The
only other alternative is to completely rebuild the operating system
with a new computer name and physically house it in a new and
undisclosed location.
GirlfriendH
("Hooker" version) - This version is for people with old or problem
machines and people who know nothing at all about Girlfriend. Price
varies depending on the features wanted and you pay a "per use" fee by
dialling a 900 number and entering an access code before each session.
It will generally run on anything out there. Sometimes you will pay for
this hack only to find that it disappears almost as soon as you start
the program leaving your business unfinished. It takes prompt action to
catch it before it is completely deleted. If that happens you cannot
call for help because you had an illegal copy and could be prosecuted.
Viruses run rampant in this version.
GirlfriendUA (a.k.a
“JailBait”) The source-code for this version is owned by
another distributor and has not yet been released for Beta testing. If
you are detected using this software criminal prosecution is almost
certain. All I know about this release is what I have read in the
distributor’s pre-release literature.
Tech Support Request
Last
year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new
program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space
and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in
the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all
other programs and launches during system initialisation where it
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight
10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever
selected.
I can not seem
to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you
help me? JP
Dear JP
This is a very
common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with
the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT"
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to
run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the
program from the system once installed. You can not go back to
Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have
tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings
Alimony/Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with
the situation.
Having Wife 1.0
installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section
regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all
responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best
course of action will be to push apologise button then reset button as
soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the
blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high
maintenance.
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes
Crash
READ THIS OUT LOUD-It's Great!
If a packet hits a
pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash;
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk
and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME!!
Life Before
Computers:
Memory was something u lost wiv age.
An Application was 4 employment.
A Programme was a show on TV.
A Cursor was someone who swore a lot.
A Keyboard was a piano.
A Web was a spiders home.
A Virus was the flu.
A Hard Drive was a long trip down the motorway.
A Mouse Pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3-inch floppy . . . . . . . . well you just hoped
& prayed no b%$*£@d found out!
Five
reasons to believe computers are male:
1.
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve
problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize
that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a
better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have
to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the
rest of the night.
Tech
Support Request
Last year I upgraded
Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began
unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product
brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs
and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other
system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5
no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to purge Wife
1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0
but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? JP
Dear JP
This is a very common problem
men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many
people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife
1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0
is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the
system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because
Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install
Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original
system. Look in your manual under Warnings Alimony/Child Support. I
recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed
myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding
General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility
for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action
will be to push apologise button then reset button as soon as lock-up
occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all
GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high
maintenance.
Dr. Seuss Explains Why
Computers Sometimes Crash
READ THIS OUT LOUD-It's Great!
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash;
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk
and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME!!
A woman called the Canon
helpdesk because she had a problem with her printer. The techie asked
her if she was "running it under windows". The woman responded, "No, my
desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in
the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
Tech support, "how much free
space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer," Well, my wife likes
to get up there on the internet, and she downloaded 10 hours of free
space. Is that enough?"
Customer, "I would like a
mouse mat, please." Salesperson, "Certainly sir, we have a large
variety." Customer, "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
Customer, "Can you copy the
internet onto this disc for me?"
Customer, "So that will get me
connected to the internet, right?" Tech Support, "Yes." Customer, "And
that’s the latest version of the internet?"
Tech Support, "OK Bob, lets
press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a
task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter P to bring
up the program manager." Customer, "I don't have a P." Tech Support, "
On your keyboard, Bob." Customer, "What do you mean?" Tech Support, "P
on your keyboard, Bob." Customer, "I'm not going to do that!"
GM response to
Microsoft
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If
GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles
to the gallon".
In
response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft,
we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would
have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all
of the windows,shut off the car, restart it, and
reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason
you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to
drive-but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An
Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and
grabbed hold of the radio antenna.(CTRL/ALT/DELETE)
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have
to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Thanks
to everyone who sent in a "funny"
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