Lawyers
THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE
YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY
A
Charlotte, North Carolina (NC) lawyer purchased a box of very rare
and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other
things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these
great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium
payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the
insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer
stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The
insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.mmmThe
lawyer sued... and WON! (Stay with me)
In delivering the ruling, the
judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was
frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a
policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against
fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and
costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and
paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost
in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the
check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of
ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24
months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
PS: I have
some doubts about the veracity of this tale as it was sent to me by a
lawyer friend! - Ed
~ ~ ~
Cross Examination A defense attorney was cross-examining a
police officer during a felony trial it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client
fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I
subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender
running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who
provided this description?
A. The officer who
responded to the scene.
A fellow officer
provided the description of this so-called offender.
Q. Do you trust your
fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my
life.
Q. With your life? Let
me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police
station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your
daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we
do.
Q. And do you have a
locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I
do.
Q. And do you have a
lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it,
officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you
find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those
same officers?
A. You see sir, we
share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have
been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted
in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
~ ~ ~
So sue me!
-
What's the
difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a bloodsucking
parasite, the other is an insect.
-
What do you call
25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
-
What are lawyers
good for? They make used car salesmen look good.
-
Did you hear about the
new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi
-
How does an attorney
sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
-
If a lawyer and an IRS
agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would
you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
-
What are lawyers good
for? They make used car salesmen look good.
-
What did the terrorist
that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
-
What do you call a lawyer
gone bad? Senator.
-
What do you call a lawyer
with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
-
What do you throw to a
drowning lawyer? His partners.
-
Why does California have
the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic
waste sites? - New Jersey got first choice.!!!!!!!!
~ ~ ~
Reptiles
Two alligators who had
recently graduated from Oxford University returned to their home in
Louisiana. They were relaxing on a mud flat taking in some sun whiling
away the day luxuriating in their summer leisure. Small alligator,
"We've been together all our lives. We grew up together, attended the
same schools, dated the same alligator girls, played alligator
football, we eat the same food drink the same drink, we even eat at the
same places. We're always together. My friend, I can't understand why
you're nearly three times my size." Large alligator, "It must be your
technique or your manner of dining. Tell me" he said, "how do you
dine?" Small alligator, "Just like you I crawl up to the back of the
Courthouse, sneak between the bushes and the wall, peek out to make
sure no one can see me and then I rush out to hide under a BMW, Lexus,
Rolls or Porsche. When a lawyer comes up to his car I lunge at him bite
him, kill him and shake the excrement out of him. Large alligator, "Ah!
I thought so. Your technique is appalling! You should know when you
shake the excrement out of a lawyer all you have left is a mouth, an
anal sphincter and a briefcase full of paper." -- Bill-McCaslin"
~ ~ ~
The Unfortunate Story of The Presbyterian Minister
and The Lawyer.
An elderly Presbyterian
Minister with poor eyesight was driving an empty school bus at
dusk. Having difficulty seeing the lines that late in the evening he
occasionally drifted into the lane of oncoming traffic.
Approaching him was an
attorney in a custom painted candy apple red Lexus with custom fitted
seats made in Spain of well let Corinthian leather with the
license plate: I-SUE-U. Sadly they collided and the entire side
of the Lexus from the head light to the tail light was ripped
from the car.
To the ditch they went
and the Minister jumped appalled and shaking from the bus
exclaiming repeatedly his most profound expletive, "Oh! My!" The
attorney struggled to free himself from his stricken
automobile fighting with the seat and shoulder belts and loudly
cursing the air bag. He jumped out greatly shaken as the Minister
arrived exclaiming, "Oh! My! What shall we do?"
The attorney not to be
misdirected by such a bland plaint shouted loudly and with a will:
"YOU IDIOT! YOU FREAKING IDIOT! Look what you've done to my car! That
paint was custom mixed candy apple red with 24 kt. Gold metal flake
overcoat by Jean Marie Tresvant in Goetborg! Do you realize there are
16 coats of paint and 16 coats of clear overcoat with 24 kt. Gold? Do
you know it took six months to paint and hand buff those coats? The
paint job cost $16,000.00 -- look at my seat it is totally ruined! Do
you realize Dr. Jurgen Heim van Til, Professor Emeritus of Biometrics
Sciences at the Sorbonne made my body cast at a cost of $4,000.00? Do
you realize that one of a kind seat was designed by Enrico Scarlatti of
Milan for $6000.00 made in Cordoba Spain by Auto Fabrik a subsidiary of
Ubermenchen Uber All Y'all GMBH the premiere custom leather manufactory
of Germany for $9.790.00? You have made a total mess of my automobile!
The Minister, having
noticed the attorney's license plate condemned with a loud voice, "You
lawyers are so materialistic!" The attorney replied, "What?" The
Minister then said, "Look down at your arm." As the attorney looked
down at his arm he saw it had been ripped off at the shoulder by the
accident. He exclaimed with a will, "EGAD! Where is my $28,000.00
Limited Edition 18 kt. Gold Jaeger LeCoultre Reverso watch?"
~ ~ ~
A wealthy lawyer was riding in
his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you
eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man
replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can
come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a
wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along,"
the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other
poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a
pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children
with me!"
"Bring them all, as
well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was
no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of
the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too
kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied,
"Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost
a foot high!"
~ ~ ~
A Rabbi, an Indian Gentleman and the
Lawyer
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer
were driving late at night in the country when their car expired.
They set out to find help, and
came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer
explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep
in the barn with the animals.
The three quickly agreed. The
Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the
beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the
bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn;
there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same
room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had
no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the
Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn!
I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to
sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with
animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and
the cow entered...
~ ~ ~
The Engineer
An engineer dies and
reports to the pearly gates. St Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah,
you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports
to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing
and building improvements.
After a while, they've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer
is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls
Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going
down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies,
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake... he should never have
got down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having
an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him
back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?
~ ~ ~
S p a g h e t t i...
An attorney was having an
affair with his secretary. Shortly afterwards, she told him she was
pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the secretary a sum of
money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how
will I let you know the baby is born?" He replied, "Just send me a
postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the
child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the secretary took the
money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then
one day, the attorney's wife called him at the office and explained,
"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from
Europe, and I don't understand what it means. "The attorney said, "Just
wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you".
Later that evening the
attorney came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a
heart attack. Paramedics rush! Rushed him to the ER. The lead medic
stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had caused her
husband to have a cardiac arrest, so the wife picked up the card and
read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with meatballs,
two without."
~ ~ ~
A Heart Transplant
The hospital administrator
drove into his private parking place. As he got out and approached the
door he saw an entire surgical team in greens, gloved and masked
digging around in the flower bed with surgical instruments. he
approached them and inquired, "What are you doing?" An assisting
Surgeon related they were doing a heart transplant on a Lawyer and they
were looking for a stone the right size.
~ ~ ~
Lawyer Brains
A woman with a brain tumor was
surprised when her doctor called her. and told her of a new,
experimental brain transplant procedure. When she met with her doctor,
he told her that she would require the transplant of one pound of
brain. The doctor then asked. "What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman
asked. "That makes a difference?" "Yes." replied the doctor. "There is
a substantial difference In price. For example, one-pound of brain from
a surgeon costs £12.000. while you can get one-pound of brain from a
nuclear physicist for £15.000. and so on. You will gain some of the
qualities associated with the profession of the brain donor, so your
choice can make a big difference."
"Can you give me
one-pound of brain from a lawyer? Ever since I was a little girl I've
dreamed of being a trial attorney."
"Sure. Let's see.
That's £250.000." the doctor replied. "You're kidding me I That's
outrageous." the woman gasped. "That's over forty times what a
surgeon's brain costs."
"Actually, it is quite
reasonable." the doctor replied. "Do you have any idea how many lawyers
it takes to produce a pound of brain?
~ ~ ~
A Blonde and a Lawyer...
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans
with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care
of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in
the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her
personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very
condescending manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to lecture her
about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his
behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she
used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin "Would the gentleman
who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them
home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think
they are ....
2. Blondes aren't always as dumb as most
folks think
Thanks to everyone
who sent in a "funny"
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Ninety four point five
per cent of all statistics are made up ~ ~ Woody Allen