Alkalyn!
Computer Humor
Men versus
Women
More
Men versus Women
Even
More Men versus Women
Corny Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
Officialdom
Those Scotsmen
Murphy
Strikes Again
Are You a
Glaswegian
Humor 1
Humor 2
Humor 3
Humor 4
Humor 5
Humor 6
Humor 7
Humor 8
More silly stuffIn the Office - In Court - Silly headlines - MENSA Test - The best candidates for surgery - Toilet humor - Divorce - Inner Strength
Verbatim
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters...
Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" - Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: Do you recall what time you examined the body? A: the autopsy started around 8.30pm. Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
In The Office
Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lessons Three - Five
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lessons - (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo. If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.
What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!
If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
You don't have to be mad to work here, in fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.
If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.
If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.
Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.
Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
Remember the 3 golden rules:
1. It was like that when I got here.
2. I didn't do it.
3. (To your Boss) I like your style.The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my foot soldiers and customer quality is the WAR !!!
Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.
Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.
A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else's?
Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....
You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.
Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
The Best Patients Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Mensa Test Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so...
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or still a MENSA candidate.
Ok, relax... clear your mind, and begin.
*
*
*
Q: What do you put in a toaster?
*
*
*
*
A: The answer is bread. If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else before you hurt yourself. If you said "bread", go to the next question.
*
Q: Say "silk" five times. Now, spell "silk." What do cows drink?
*
*
*
*
A: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said "water", then proceed to the next question.
*
*
*
Q: If a red house is made with red bricks, a blue house is made with blue bricks, a pink house is made with pink bricks, a black house is made with black bricks, what is a greenhouse made with?
*
*
*
*
A: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions??? Dang!!... If you said "glass", then go on to the next question.
*
*
*
Q: Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no-man's-land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no-man's-land?"
*
*
*
*
A: You don't, of course, bury the survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated... If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.
*
*
*
Q: If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute, then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
*
*
*
*
A: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything else other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
*
*
*
Q: Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people geto off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
*
*
*
*
*
*
A: Oh, for Heaven's sake... It was you!
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
===========================================
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash
Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Drunken Drivers Paid £1000 in '84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts
Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New
Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf
College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Include your Children When Baking Cookies~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
In PassingOver the weekend, I left Mumbai on Western Express Highway heading towards Pune, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first toilet was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next toilet: "Hi, how are you doing?" Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad." And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I am driving to Pune?" Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say: "Look, I'll call you right back, there is some idiot in the next toilet answering all the questions I am asking you. Bye!"
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the
most romantic first line but least romantic second
line:
Love may be beautiful, Love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up the rest of my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Time's up
A married couple is driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too." The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need." "Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Scroll Down
|
V
Then you are probably the family dog.
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
More Kids!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.3. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
4. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY! Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Which part of the body?....
6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
~ ~ ~ ~
Silly Sites: www.theonion.com - www.drudgereport.com
Thanks to everyone who sent in a "funny"
More Humor Pages
Humor1 | Humor3 | Humor4 | Computer Humor | Men versus Women | More Men versus Women | Corny | Officialdom
"Humanity has many enemies. The worst of them are ignorance, arrogance, extremism, and violence" - Abbas Kadhim
