Alkalyn!
Computer Humor
Men versus
Women
More
Men versus Women
Even
More Men versus Women
Corny Jokes
Officialdom
Those Scotsmen
Murphy
Strikes Again
Are You a
Glaswegian
Humor 1
Humor 2
Humor 3
Humor 4
Humor 5
Humor 6
Humor 7
Humor 8
Not so serious:
Politically correct Gender References -Diplomatic Answers. Human Resources Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. - INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f**k you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. - INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. - INSTEAD OF: And when the f**k do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible - INSTEAD OF: No f**king way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really? - INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... - INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project . - INSTEAD OF: It's not my f**king problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting. - INSTEAD OF: What the f**k?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. - INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. - INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? - INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? - INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. - INSTEAD OF: f**k it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. - INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. - INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? - INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: I see. - INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
19) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. - INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
Thank You, Human Resources
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
SOME NEW WORDS -
Just take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2003 winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Those Politicians
Lord George Brown, when the band struck up at an embassy function,
asked: "Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with me?"
"Certainly not," was the reply. "First, you are drunk. Secondly, it is not a waltz, but the Venezuelan national anthem; and thirdly I am not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal nuncio." -- Newsgroups: rec.humor.funnyFor non-British and younger readers Lord George Brown was a cabinet minister in Harold Wilson's government.
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Customer Service Complaint
I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you out there who've ever had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM"?
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Helpdesk Stories
A woman called the Canon helpdesk because she had a problem with her printer. The techie asked her if she was "running it under windows". The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
Tech support, "how much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer," Well, my wife likes to get up there on the internet, and she downloaded 10 hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Customer, "I would like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson, "Certainly sir, we have a large variety." Customer, "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
Customer, "Can you copy the internet onto this disc for me?"
Customer, "So that will get me connected to the internet, right?" Tech Support, "Yes." Customer, "And that’s the latest version of the internet?"
Tech Support, "OK Bob, lets press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter P to bring up the program manager." Customer, "I don't have a P." Tech Support, " On your keyboard, Bob." Customer, "What do you mean?" Tech Support, "P on your keyboard, Bob." Customer, "I'm not going to do that!"
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw this years new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE .
3. She is not EASY - she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
4. She is not DUMB - she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - she is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - she is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - he has SWINE EMPATHY .
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not HORNY - he is SEXUALLY FOCUSED -- Raymond Watson
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Man's five most feared questions:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.tells the
truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below
along with possible responses.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit
pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have
met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most
likely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died
Or if you really wanted world war three you could say "If I wanted you to
know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
necessary: "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!" Among the incorrect
answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!" Incorrect
responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy Ferrari and a
boat".) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Pilots versus mechanics
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the
pilotsreview the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas
pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has NEVER had an accident :
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
I love this one....
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
THE PARTY
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Havin' a Christmas party Friday night... thought ya might like to come about 5:00 P.M."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops, turns around and says: "Gotta warn ya......thars gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
One Liners AND Corny
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe
that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do
was eat, drink and be Mary.
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to
inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some
bugger's sent me a magnifying glass!
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the
foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero
and the other is an instruction.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would
like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not listening.
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering for
years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said
is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.
Thanks to everyone who sent in a "funny"
Silly Sites: www.theonion.com - The Drudge Report
"Humanity has many enemies. The worst of them are ignorance, arrogance, extremism, and violence" - Abbas Kadhim
