Alkalyn!
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Not so serious:
More Kids!
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents,
"How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN -- (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews,or students... here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T !"
"Don't what? " Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! "
"No Way! "
"Yes way! "
"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
"Why? "
"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked ! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? " God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you? " said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it! " Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY !
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what make s you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6 We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
These British 16 years olds have terrific senses of humour!
These are real, unadulterated answers from British 16 year-olds, in their GCSE's (end of year exams...) GEOGRAPHY
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in the fight.~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Aa-Ttissue
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently in her seat. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes passed. The woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently in her seat. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.
The man had finally had all he could handle. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
The woman replied, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, was feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Love, Lust, or Marriage?
How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married? For those of you who have any questions, or misplaced envy, this should clear it up:
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love." LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing." MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?
LOVE - When you share everything you own. LUST - When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE - What's a climax?
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner. LUST - When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - When all you write is cheques.
LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings. LUST - When you couldn't give a &*%$ MARRIAGE -When your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..." LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..." MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - When you only see each other naked. MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them. LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them. MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE - When nobody else matters. LUST - When nobody else knows. MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it. MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Some Darwin Awards!
They are finally out again. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the 2002 nominees are:
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man-who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma".
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend-no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
1.Based on a bet by the other members of his foursome, the last nominee for this year's Darwin Award (awarded to people for incredible feats of mental lapses whose demise aids in improving the gene pool) goes to .... Everitt Sanchez who tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course. Now, obviously, this last nominee did not expire; however, since he is forever sterilized, the nominating committee believed he warranted an opportunity in this year's competition.
~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Two Little Trouble Makers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Muldoon's dog
lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn'tya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Mrs Donovan and Father Rafferty!
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street, in Dublin, when she met up with Father Rafferty.
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan & didn't I marry ye & yer husband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week & I'll light a candle for ye & yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."
They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins & 4 singles, 10 in all!" The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer feckin' candle!"
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Retribution
Obnoxious arrogant schoolmates; how to show them their place:
If you're sure the offender is the next person to use the shower you're in luck and that person will be blue. Here's how: Go to the VET and purchase some fairly large empty gelatine capsules, fill them with something like RIT, a dye used to dye clothes in the washing machine. Personally I prefer Woad Blue, but then I'm a Scot. Purchase some plain gelatine at the grocery. Mix it up in hot water and after the surface becomes the least bit sticky dip the capsule in and dry it with an hair dryer, repeat this several times. Admittedly this part is a bit tricky. Zip into the WC, carefully remove the shower head, pop a few capsules in the pipe and replace the shower head. Then when the water flows at first no color will flow, about the time your schoolmate gets soapy and closes the eyes -- well then the color will flow. OBTW There is no cure, it has to wear off. Usually humility wears on at the same time.---<<>>---
Another outstanding trick is to sneak into the WC and stretch Saran Wrap over the toilet bowl. Make a really neat job of it. This is best done late Friday or Saturday night. When the offender returns from a night of revelry that person will approach the white throne depending on their specific degree of devotion, they may reverently kneel, respectfully stand or sit in quiet spiritual contemplation. In any case they will be dazed and amazed.
---<<>>---
In rather cold damp climates I've found the early morning application of Super Glue to the appropriate door knob a few minutes before it will be grasped is quite a bonding experience. As a person so joined as it might be said, is usually in a state of undress the opportunities for contumely and opprobrium are virtually infinite.
---<<<>>>---
If the offending person has been out drinking and is now abed and if perchance a hand of the offender dangles from the bed, well, hummm. Fill a small bowl with slightly cooled water, stack some stuff so you can sit the bowl on it and carefully immerse the offender's hand in the slightly cooled water... Beat a silent but hasty retreat. Shortly the offender will awaken realizing he had a liquid problem and now has to lay in it.
Bill McCaslin
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Dotty Definitions
Dimocracy -- Government by the intellectually challenged
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.
It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, The Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the Middle East ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask the British for help".
Finally here in the UK we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea".
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative b) Preliminary c) Proliferation d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity b) British Constitution c) Passive-aggressive disorder d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. b) Nope, no more booze for me. c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. d) No kebab for me, thank you. e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? f) I'm not interested in fighting you. g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing. h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
The Son's Note
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed,
"Dad"
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter
with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with
all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's
not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be
very happy.
Even though you won't care for her as she is so much older than I, she
already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and
that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine
and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to
know your grandchildren.
Your loving son,
John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
my report card that's in the center drawer of my desk. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
PLANE RIDE JOKE
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.
He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
After a long pause the "pilot" replied, "You mean, you're not my instructor?"~~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Did I Read That Sign Right????
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUTIn a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRSIn an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKENIn an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARDOutside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CARSeen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOORNotice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONSOn a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
~~~|ALKALYN|~~~Confucius he say...
*~ Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~ Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~ Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~ Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~ Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~ Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~ Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~ Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~ Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~ Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~ War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~ Wife who put husband! in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~ Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~ It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~ Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~ Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~ Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~ Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.~~|ALKALYN|~~~
Thanks to everyone who sent in a "funny"
"Humanity has many enemies. The worst of them are ignorance, arrogance, extremism, and violence" - Abbas Kadhim
