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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible -- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year -- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint -- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher -- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury -- Groucho Marx

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat -- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery -- Spike Milligan

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap -- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it -- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress -- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you -- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out -- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere -- Billy Crystal

 

 

 

 

 

 

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